an excerpt from this weekend

firstly, i would like to say - rest in peace, anthony bourdain.

his knowledge and presence had such an influence on me as i grew up. i know he inspired so many others as well. as one of my longtime role models, his death was quite the shock to me and i hope to let others know that they are not alone and they can always seek help by confiding in others or to find hope in creative interests. i hope this post gives solace to those who have been affected by any disheartening thoughts.

i experienced a bittersweet weekend filled with happiness, melancholy, and curious longing for knowledge and kindness between others as i continued to think back on bourdain's philosophy towards culture and food. he was always open-minded, yet knowledgable, on the good and the bad between the places he's visited. he never failed to show appreciation for others no matter their race, gender, age, social status.. as i ponder his success, his influence continues as its helped me write this small piece from what i've experienced in the past couple days. please have patience as its been a while for me and this is also still a work in progress, but i hope you enjoy what i've came up with.

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it was a hot and humid day. i had just parted ways with my best friend, meghan, from the ginza line after visiting harajuku together. she was visiting from my hometown of las vegas and was on her way to the airport to fly to another country to see her family. she made the kindest gesture to stop in japan to visit me before her family reunion. 

“so this is shibuya crossing,” i said, “its kinda like the times square of japan.” i gestured towards the crowd as we both made our way from one end to the other. 

“holy crap, people even stop to take photos?” she asked, as she pointed out the woman - an obvious tourist - sitting on the ground, cross-legged, in the middle of the street as her significant other snapped away photos with his DSLR. it wasn’t hard to miss the sight since they were the only still people in a sea of others who were walking on one end to the other as well, naturally.

i laughed, “yes, there’s so much to see here. i would say ten days would be the perfect amount of time to take everything in. was there anything specific you wanted to see while you’re here?”

“not really,” meghan said, “since i’m here for such a short time, i figured you could just show me around.”

and i did just that. within 2 days, we were able to visit cute cafes and amazing vegan restaurants (she’s been vegan for 4 years) in shinjuku, harajuku, and shibuya. we even stayed in the traditional neighborhood of edogawa, which was something new since it was located in a personally unexplored area a little closer to narita. rather than my usual destination of tokyo. it was nice to spend a couple days with my best friend of 10 years in the country that i now call home, the country she’s known me to adore. 

sadly, after a fun weekend, we had to separate ways. we exchanged words of gratitude and took one last train together before we went in different directions to our next destination. the train doors opened, and i hugged her goodbye before getting off the train. i turned around to watch her leave and as the train doors closed, i waved and instinctively said the words, “see you.” - a common phrase in japan between friends that evokes more positivity on the usually sad-sounding goodbye. after a smile and a wave back from meghan, i then made my way to my next train.

at the station, i was waiting at the platform for my train ride that provided my 45-minute way home. crowds made their way to line up on the numbered floors alongside me, waiting for their next train as well. in just a few seconds, the next train approached, and 90% of the crowded platform boarded. the other 10%, including myself, stayed back to wait for the next train that followed.

in front of me, an older man spoke (in Japanese), “seems like many people take the train to Yokosuka, doesn’t it? our train will have more space.” he continued to speak, yet i couldn’t understand.

i smiled and nodded before speaking some quiet Japanese, “it seems so. i’m sorry, but my Japanese isn’t so great.” 

“ah, excuse me,” he nodded and continued to apologize in Japanese. he paused.

“where are you from?” he asked, in English this time.

“America”, i said, “but i live in Ushiku now.” i continued in Japanese, a little louder with more confidence this time.

he continued in Japanese and gestured his hands from himself to me, “oh, we are both going to the same place.” he smiled.

“it seems so.” i replied in Japanese, returning a polite smile.

he then asked, in English, “do you have a green car ticket?” and pointed to the numbered floor below us.

“oh, no, i don’t.” i showed confusion. i knew i was boarding the next train, but i hadn’t paid for the extra fee of entering the green car, which had more luxury reclining seats and a train attendant to tend to paying guests.

the train started to approach, i was frazzled and looked for other queues to rush behind, so i could make my way to the regular entryways. 

“ah, its okay, come with me. i’ll pay for you so we can sit together,” he gestured towards me with an open palm, not necessarily asking for my hand in return - but to show his openness of generosity.

i was hesitant, and before the train doors could close, i quickly made the decision to follow him without any time to verbally agree.

- to be continued, part two in progress -

(exact locations/town names were changed for privacy)

mood update/thought dump

it's been around two weeks since my last venting post, and boy, has my mood improved since then.

i had a slight epiphany over what i think contributes to my improvement in mood and overall self-esteem. aside from being more comfortable with my city and my peers, i realized that it has now been almost two months since i switched from hormonal birth control pills to the nexplanon implant.

nexplanon is progestin-based birth control in the form of a matchstick-sized device inserted into the upper arm. hormones are released from the device into the bloodstream. i'm not an expert at this, but after slight research, it's different from the hormones in a normal pill (estrogen and progestogen).

before i switched to the arm implant, i had taken oral birth control pills everyday for the last 4 years. i was always a bit skeptic whenever i heard my friends explain that certain brands or hormones (estrogen) made them "crazy", because i didnt think it made me feel that way. admittedly, i'm still learning to never discredit others by comparing them with my own experiences.

anyways, i always dismissed the typical side effects i've heard from the pill (weight gain, mood swings, cramps, etc) because i never went through it myself. since that happened, i thought the pill was my miracle option for regulating my periods and well, not getting pregnant. however, i never explored my options.

i got my nexplanon implant in mid-March. an anesthetic is applied before inserting the device into your arm. i was bruised for about two weeks before it fully healed and now i have a very tiny scar at the insertion site, but currently no pain or discomfort at all.

i left gauze wrapped around my arm to alleviate the discomfort for about 3-4 days.

in terms of mood, i noticed that i havent been as emotional as i thought i would be. it could be the combination of maturing age and circumstance, but i noticed a slight numbness compared to my mood before. for example, when i first visited japan. there was this air of... melancholy whenever i was here. i was extremely happy, but i was also extremely sad and afraid of the happiness ending and needing to leave this amazing country. i would say that describes my past relationship almost entirely as well. which is quite a large chunk of my life since it lasted for three years. i was always overstimulated with emotions, feeling both happiness and sadness and everything in between all the time. yet i couldnt describe the feeling or even know what was going on, which affected my conflict resolution with others greatly. of course, all these emotions didnt happen solely because of the pill, but i believe it contributed to it now that i'm looking back on it.

i think i have matured a lot since then. it could be because i'm getting older or because i'm now off hormonal birth control. or both. but i'm becoming more self-aware and adulthood isnt so bad, so far.

for my lady friends who are taking or switched from the pill, please feel free to message me about your experience with it, because i'm genuinely interested in having a conversation about it.

久しぶり- (long time no see).

semi-long post regarding mental health.

it's been a while. since my last post, i've started working at the schools i've been assigned to and it's been great so far. i've also travelled to tokyo for two weekends and have explored around my prefecture a little more, so there will be future posts about that.

for now, i wanted to blog about something i've been battling and trying to improve, especially during my stay here. and it's the burden of perfectionism/overthinking.

i dont want to put an official label on my experience since i have never been professionally diagnosed on this. but if i were to compare it to something, it would be GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which is a form of anxiety.

a little background on my experience.

my first time being introduced to the details of anxiety disorder was during my second year of college. i've never experienced symptoms myself or any of my peers having it (to my knowledge) before then. i didnt try to understand it until i met someone who had daily panic attacks. when their panic episodes happened, i could only be there for them without ever knowing what it was like to be in their shoes. anxiety, to them and many others, was always described as something that felt like impending doom that affected their body physically and made their heart beat faster - and according to them, it was always random. but i never experienced anything like that before - so i always told myself that i can never try to identify with people who have felt that way before. i dismissed the idea of ever having felt anxiety.

two more years into college, i became more familiar with mental health and more in touch of what i was experiencing myself. learning more about mental health gave me an idea of the kind of childhood i grew up in, the emotions i felt through puberty, and a deeper look into my first experience with suicidal thoughts at 15 years old. as an adult, i was later diagnosed with depression and did psychotherapy for a few weeks. it felt like it mirrored my teenage self. it sucked, but i am doing much better now.

the only thing that remains is something i've dealt with my whole life and have only came to realize right before i left las vegas to move to japan. my tendency to worry. i always thought that i "cared too much". cared too much about what other people think and what i was doing all the time. everyday, it was:

"do they not like me?"

"what if they hate me? did i offend them?"

"did i do something wrong?"

"am i doing this right?"

"what will happen if i mess this up?"

"is this even worth it?"

"am i boring? am i too quiet? am i good enough?"

these thoughts circle through my head all day, and i've never noticed how destructive it can be. its hindered my relationships, my self-esteem, my productivity, and my health.

i realized that its affected my ability to meet new people, try new things, and excel in a career beyond my part-time retail job that i've had for more than 5 years. i was always stressed, exhausted, and couldnt push myself to try anything once i got in bed for seemingly no reason.

by moving to japan, i got out of my comfort zone. i was so excited when i first moved here, but i was also very scared. very very very scared. i was worried about everything - how i'll perform at this new job, if my coworkers will like me, how i'll interact with the people in my city, how i'll be able to pay bills, go to the post office, use the ATM, how to pump gas, absolutely everything possible. i did not explore the idea of meeting new people to help me at all. i thought i was all on my own and i tried sucking it up because i knew i signed up for it.

two weeks into moving here, i've met a few people who live in my city and am super grateful for their hospitality and willingness to help. they've helped me realize that everything is easier than it seems (like pumping gas, i thought it'd be the end of the world if i couldnt read the kanji on the screen or be able to talk to an employee!). and since then, i've been having to tell myself everyday - "it gets better and it's not as bad as you think."

a part of me wishes that someone told me this before. it's not as bad as you think. but i think no one wanted to sound insensitive. but it's true, and i have been able to constructively turn my worries into questions like

"what can i do to make this better?"

"what topics can i bring up to make a fun conversation with this person?"

"what's the simplest and most common way to do this?"

i wont lie, there are still days where i'm in bed from the moment i get home from work until i have to get up the next morning. my first two weeks in japan were holed up in my apartment, only to go out for groceries, because i was so scared of the outside world. but i've been trying to improve by taking my worries and turning it into something i can take advantage of, because well, i'm living in my dream country.