semi-long post regarding mental health.
it's been a while. since my last post, i've started working at the schools i've been assigned to and it's been great so far. i've also travelled to tokyo for two weekends and have explored around my prefecture a little more, so there will be future posts about that.
for now, i wanted to blog about something i've been battling and trying to improve, especially during my stay here. and it's the burden of perfectionism/overthinking.
i dont want to put an official label on my experience since i have never been professionally diagnosed on this. but if i were to compare it to something, it would be GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which is a form of anxiety.
a little background on my experience.
my first time being introduced to the details of anxiety disorder was during my second year of college. i've never experienced symptoms myself or any of my peers having it (to my knowledge) before then. i didnt try to understand it until i met someone who had daily panic attacks. when their panic episodes happened, i could only be there for them without ever knowing what it was like to be in their shoes. anxiety, to them and many others, was always described as something that felt like impending doom that affected their body physically and made their heart beat faster - and according to them, it was always random. but i never experienced anything like that before - so i always told myself that i can never try to identify with people who have felt that way before. i dismissed the idea of ever having felt anxiety.
two more years into college, i became more familiar with mental health and more in touch of what i was experiencing myself. learning more about mental health gave me an idea of the kind of childhood i grew up in, the emotions i felt through puberty, and a deeper look into my first experience with suicidal thoughts at 15 years old. as an adult, i was later diagnosed with depression and did psychotherapy for a few weeks. it felt like it mirrored my teenage self. it sucked, but i am doing much better now.
the only thing that remains is something i've dealt with my whole life and have only came to realize right before i left las vegas to move to japan. my tendency to worry. i always thought that i "cared too much". cared too much about what other people think and what i was doing all the time. everyday, it was:
"do they not like me?"
"what if they hate me? did i offend them?"
"did i do something wrong?"
"am i doing this right?"
"what will happen if i mess this up?"
"is this even worth it?"
"am i boring? am i too quiet? am i good enough?"
these thoughts circle through my head all day, and i've never noticed how destructive it can be. its hindered my relationships, my self-esteem, my productivity, and my health.
i realized that its affected my ability to meet new people, try new things, and excel in a career beyond my part-time retail job that i've had for more than 5 years. i was always stressed, exhausted, and couldnt push myself to try anything once i got in bed for seemingly no reason.
by moving to japan, i got out of my comfort zone. i was so excited when i first moved here, but i was also very scared. very very very scared. i was worried about everything - how i'll perform at this new job, if my coworkers will like me, how i'll interact with the people in my city, how i'll be able to pay bills, go to the post office, use the ATM, how to pump gas, absolutely everything possible. i did not explore the idea of meeting new people to help me at all. i thought i was all on my own and i tried sucking it up because i knew i signed up for it.
two weeks into moving here, i've met a few people who live in my city and am super grateful for their hospitality and willingness to help. they've helped me realize that everything is easier than it seems (like pumping gas, i thought it'd be the end of the world if i couldnt read the kanji on the screen or be able to talk to an employee!). and since then, i've been having to tell myself everyday - "it gets better and it's not as bad as you think."
a part of me wishes that someone told me this before. it's not as bad as you think. but i think no one wanted to sound insensitive. but it's true, and i have been able to constructively turn my worries into questions like
"what can i do to make this better?"
"what topics can i bring up to make a fun conversation with this person?"
"what's the simplest and most common way to do this?"
i wont lie, there are still days where i'm in bed from the moment i get home from work until i have to get up the next morning. my first two weeks in japan were holed up in my apartment, only to go out for groceries, because i was so scared of the outside world. but i've been trying to improve by taking my worries and turning it into something i can take advantage of, because well, i'm living in my dream country.